Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
