apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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