Me. At least after what I've been through.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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