My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
