Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
