I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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