I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
