I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
