so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
