yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The air was thick with penises
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
