i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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