Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
