I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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