If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
