Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
