Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
