Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
