when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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