I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
