i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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