Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
