halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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