no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize