I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
