I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Randomize
