but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize