Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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