So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
