Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
