Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
