he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
