advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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