meet me or not, i'm out of control
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
