No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
