I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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