Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
