after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
