i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize