I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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