what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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