i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
