Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
