i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
