is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
