Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
