Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
