Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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