I hate your face
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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