i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
