Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
