Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
