I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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