I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
