now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
