I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
