she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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