I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
