this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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