If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
