What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
they're like a gay fantastic four
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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