my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Every concussion has its silver lining
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
