did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
