i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
