I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
