I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
