you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
