grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
