I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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