At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
