Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
