How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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