Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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