Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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