i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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