He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
